Streams of consciousness

September 6, 2009

Hold the Gin and Tonic, I Need To Feel This Pain

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child,
I thought as a child:
but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
For now we see through a
glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part;
but then shall I know even as also I am known.
1 Corinthians 13, verse 11

Related Story:
A Shared Journey Into my Father’s NDE Experience

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The day my father passed on in 1998 at home, where I had been caregiver for him for 17 months, relatives and friends were urging me to accept gin & tonic, wine, a shot of whiskey….or take an offered sedative.  Some deep force within me arose and voiced No, no.  No!  I need to feel this pain!  It had always been easy to dull painful emotional events by losing myself in something to suppress the senses in the past.  But over those 17 months, my father and I experienced such extraordinary transformations in our perceptions about life and death, I was not about to allow the pain and sorrow slide away in the Spirits of alcohol.  No, this needed to be experienced by the Spirit of Life Force.  I came away from the experience of diving into and fully experiencing my emotions in the moment moving much farther into the healing process than would have occurred had I tried to wipe it away as though it was unnatural or too much to bear.  Allowing the full height of the emotions to manifest, I felt connected not only to my world but a world beyond.  I no longer was I looking through a glass darkly. 

While the rest of the group went on to dull the sense of loss and try to lighten the mood around them, I sat in Poppy’s old chair, put my face in my hands, and had a good cry.  My niece called about 30 minutes later.  She didn’t know that Poppy had died and started to tell me a “dream” she had while napping.  I decided to listen before telling her about him.  She told me that she had suddenly wakened up from a nap after “seeing” Poppy standing over his old chair while I sat in it crying.  His hand was on my shoulder and he was comforting me.  In my keen and unadulterated emotional state, I knew clearly what the others were denying themselves.  I told my niece what had occurred, and we comforted one another—the three of us.  Then I picked up the pieces once I had experienced and overcome that aphrodisiac called  Comfort Zone that prevents us from seeing with clarity. 

We as a nation of people would do well to move away from the voices and images and beliefs that dull our collective pain over the slow death of our cherished and beloved United States Constitution.  Rather than move into denial and passively watch the Black Magicians of  T.V. Media put us into a sleepy twilight while manipulating our brain impulses not to feel the pain of realizing that the 9/11 tragedy in New York was co-sponsored by forces who had infiltrated the seat of our own government, we must share the full emotional height of Truth. 

This September 11, 2009, I would encourage all to step out of their Comfort Zone and see the Truth about what occurred on that tragic day.  Dedicate your 9/11/2009 day by researching, communicating ideas and thoughts clearly instead of falling back on sense-deadening rationale (Father America is not lying…would not betray me!). Open your heart and mind to all the others who on that day lost loved ones, to all the first responders and volunteers who suffer now.  Face the Truth and get to the healing process a better person for it.


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A Shared Journey Into my Father’s NDE Experience

From my perspective, there is a possible component of the Near-Death Experience (NDE) to be considered in studies on the subject. I submit that at least in my case, I found myself actually journeying with my father into his own NDE experience just days before he crossed over in 1998. I recorded that experience in the diary I was keeping during those critical and transformational 17 months in our lives when I was his caregiver.

October 05, 1998

“Poppy was hurting everywhere from the fall onto the cement. Something just grabbed me full force and I found myself focused on nothing in the world except the power of Reiki energy. For at least 45 minutes, I kept my hands on him, and he finally calmed completely down and into sleep. I laid there at the side of the bed with my hands on his heart chakra. Through my closed eyes, I could see the vague flicker of light from the mini TV set. But then, while deeply into meditation and prayer, I felt my brow chakra pull and extend out over the room. Very suddenly, it was black as black can be—I cannot put down in words the rich depth of this blackness. I know that Poppy and I were now in another place together. I felt my brow chakra pulsating and radiating, searching for a light. I felt my hand in Poppy’s hand as we drifted through the darkness in front of us. I kept calling to my mother. Help me please I heard in my calmed mind. “

Suddenly, I saw a pinhole of light, a beautiful blue-white light. It looked very distant, but I was so drawn to it that I wanted to rush ahead of Poppy to get to it. But I received a strong, strong mental message telling me No! No! It’s not for you to go! We were immediately transported into some sort of mental metaphor, immersed in a quasi-dream. I first saw a boat, with me firmly grounded at the shore and Poppy on the boat. A cord anchored the boat, but I was holding a knife to cut the cord if Poppy made the choice to sail. My mother then sailed in on another boat to Poppy. Although she was ready to take him with her, she made it clear that I could not cut that cord unless Poppy made the decision to go. I was also reminded through this surrealistic living metaphor that I was to remain on shore and not try to go, as much as I would like. Then, I watched while hearts and flowers were being heaped on Poppy’s waiting boat. He was suddenly young and handsome again. He saw mom and expressed his joy, but he then looked at me and feared the cutting of the rope.

“Just as suddenly, we were back in the room. I was still drooped over Poppy while he lay in a deep sleep. He was breathing shallowly. My brow chakra retracted now, and I heard a familiar but distant voice in the house–it was Guni, my Reiki teacher! ; She sensed that she needed to come by and visit…this late at night! I tried to get my legs; they were shaking and weak from all the expended energy. I felt weightless and leg-less. I managed to get down the hall to greet her and D, but I slumped down the wall toward the end of it. My energy was depleted, but I somehow felt acutely refreshed and light. Guni came running toward me. “You are not completely back in your body yet…be still.” She proceeded to bring me back fully. I heard her say something about us being in the practice mode now.”

October 06, 1998:
“Poppy woke up a little while ago. While we shared coffee we were very quiet at first but then he said, ‘I somehow mentally felt your hands comforting me all through the night.’ I smiled, but I was at a loss about what to say (for once). ‘I had a dream last night’ he began. He described that in the dream there were:

…three houseboats. One boat was yours and one was your mother’s; another one was mine. Someone asked me which boat I would like for now, and I answered that I wanted to get into your boat.

“Well, my jaw dropped just enough for him to know that I understood this somehow. Then, he just looked squarely into my eyes and said, ‘Honey, where did we go last night?’ For lack of any rational answer, I just replied, ‘I don’t know, but it was Heavenly, wasn’t it?’ ”

§ ≈∞ ≈∞ ≈∞ ≈ § 

To this day, I am sure in my own mind and soul that somehow, the combination of performing Reiki on my father and being in such an emotionally charged state, it was somehow possible that I was drawn along with my father to his near-death experience.


Caregiving 101: Student Notes

Evidence for shared NDE



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