We are living today in a chaotic and dangerous world. Why is it more dangerous that in previous eras? For the first time since ancient Atlantis, we are capable of blowing up our world in the blink of an eye. That said, I think it is time to put some humor into the mix by way of some medical bloopers we hear while transcribing dictations. I have also thrown in some bloopers that have been passed around among transcribers across the country, as well as some lawyer bloopers and one for the pharmaceutical industry. This should bring into perspective that everything is relative, doctors and lawyers are not gods, and that laughter is indeed the best medicine! Here we go…
Collections from our MT group:
“The patient is feeling tired and somewhat sluttish.”
“She lives with her husband, who is now 2-years-old.”
“diseased owner renal transplant.”
“In terms of non-pharmaceutical interventions, I encouraged the patient to partake in any form of relaxation including exercise and during those episodes of hyperventilation to try to do so inside a paper bag.”
“Patient was started on testosterone hormone replacement therapy and has not been faithful since starting it.”
“Patient stopped breathing and died in the hospital last night. She is here today complaining about that.”
“Albuterol metered-dose inhaler 2 puffs prior to intercourse.”
“His left elbow has been killing him. He did not do anything drastic to it, but he was still moving alot of lumber building a deck on his back.”
“Exercise: He is a probation officer.”
“Wears helmets if she rides a gun…I mean rides a gun…I mean rides a bike.”
Actual notes from hospital charts:
“The patient refused autopsy.”
“Patient has no previous history of suicides.”
“Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.”
“She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”
“On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.”
“The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”
“The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1983.”
“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”
“Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”
“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”
“She is numb from her toes down.”
“While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.”
“Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.”
“Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.”
“She stated that she had been constiptated for most of her life until she got a divorce.”
“Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.”
“The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”
“Skin: Somewhat pale but present.”
“The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.”
“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”
True Doctor Stories:
“One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. No more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’ ” Dr. S. Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada.
“At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths’, I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ remorsefully replied the patient.” Dr. R. Byrnes, Seattle, WA.
“A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ I grabbed my stuff, I rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.” Dr. M. MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
“I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.’ He read the 20/20 line perfectly. ‘Now your left.’ Again, a flawless read. ‘Now both,’ I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.” Dr. M. Theodropolous, Worcester, MA.
“A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly! The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, “I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?” She replied, “No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’ “ (Would not admit his name..)
Here’s one for the pharmacological industry: In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen….Advil is also called ibuprofen. Amoxil is also called ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, dixafix, and of course ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of “cocktails”, “highballs”, and just a good old-fashioned “stiff drink.” Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzeimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Disorder in the Court:
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh………….
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: All your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
I hope this has put some laughter into YOUR day!
Worldy issues from an otherwordly perspective
